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A mid-life crisis is known to hit anywhere between the age window of 40-60. Some even experience a quarter-life crisis around the age of 25.

The simple definition of these experiences is an uncomfortable, challenging period of cognitive reflection and self-evaluation that lasts anywhere from several months to several years.

Although it is common to hit a halftime reflection pause like that of a football game, many of us are seeing these internal struggles hit our game of life more in line with the structure of hockey.

Hockey games consist of three nonstop periods of action. In between the first and second period, there is a locker room break to examine the performance thus far and make adjustments to succeed moving forward.

After going hard in our first period of action- our birth to thirties- many of us are hitting what psychologists are now calling a “thirties crisis”, also known as a “third-life crisis” or “tri-life crisis”.

After this pause, we go hard again for the second period of action- thirties to fifties- before hitting another self-awareness break.

Our final period of action will be our fifties/sixties until the game ends.

For myself, I went through a brutal tri-life crisis that had me in the mental trenches from age 34-37, followed by a rebuilding phase that went until around age 39.

Here are 4 mindsets for how to overcome mid-life crisis, quarter-life crisis, or tri-life crisis.

 

Stay in control of your narrative

This personal funk involves a whole lot of “what the fuck have I been doing with my life?!” and “who the hell am I?!” and “what the fuck do I do from here on?!”

Unfortunately, it’s usually a swirling, simultaneous shitstorm of all three.

There’s doubt, shame, confusion, fear, sadness, regret, anger, frustration, and many more emotions that start to drag the mind and body down. However, amidst these inevitable feelings, it’s imperative to understand that-

This process is actually a good thing.

Many people ignore that internal whistle that calls for a serious self-evaluation pause. They just keep pounding away at life- work, kids, partner, repeat- until it goes away.

But if the quarter-life whistle is ignored (or even happens at all), the tri-life whistle comes close behind. If the tri-life whistle is ignored, that mid-life one eventually arrives. Some will then turn up the volume of life louder to drown out this one as well.

What happens when people blow past all the internal whistles throughout their game of life? The result can be someone on their deathbed with a lot of bottled up regret and baggage to unpack.

Although we’ve coined these experiences the negative term “crisis” (and they do feel shitty and scary), know that by accepting one and working through one, you’re choosing growth, maturity, and personal evolution.

If your mind sways to the negative beatdown, it helps to twist the narrative back into a constructive game plan.

“What can I learn from past choices, and how can I avoid setbacks going forward?”

“What do I need to deconstruct from my life, and rebuild or replace with healthier alternatives and/or mindsets?”

“How can I heal myself, strengthen myself, and prepare myself to further improve the next period of life?”

Avoid the negative, dark mental places by always staying in control of your narrative.

 

Hindsight will never be apples to apples

The more popular of the “crisis” family are the tri-life crisis and mid-life crisis. Both of these naturally involve a lot of looking back and thinking/saying phrases such as “I should’ve, I would’ve, I could’ve”.

However, it is unrealistic to think that hindsight should be apples to apples.

My therapist told me this in the darkest period of my tri-life crisis-

“Everyone thinks and acts within the capacity of their knowledge and awareness at that given time“

Your old self never “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve”, because your old self could only operate within the knowledge and awareness that you had at that time.

We should never physically and/or intellectually expect or demand anything more than what one is capable/aware of.

It can become a waste of time and mental energy to dwell on the past by thinking that we are comparing apples to apples, when in reality we are trying to compare our current full-bodied apple self to our past seedling self.

We made our past choices based upon the knowledge and awareness that we had back then. Unless we figure out a way to time travel back and impart wisdom to our younger ignorant selves, comparison will always remain futile.

With this closure, we can avoid this circular reflection trap and focus on new choices with the evolved knowledge and awareness that we currently possess.

 

Go easy on yourself

The effects of a quarter-life, tri-life, or mid-life crisis can be catastrophic to not only oneself, but also to those within the blast radius. These funk phases can cause depression, anxiety, divorce, addiction, homelessness, suicide, physical ailments, mental instability, and more.

In my mid-thirties, I started to become aware of my own unresolved trauma, toxic emotional habits, and inaccurate childhood conditioning. Instead of going straight to professional help, I started drinking to cope with my looming crisis.

I didn’t know what else to do other than to be really fucking hard on myself.

In time, the excessive drinking, smoking, and bar food would have me physically and mentally falling apart. For me, it took a rock bottom experience to snap out of this slow suicide and get help.

What I didn’t understand for too long into my struggle was that:

• this process is a good thing
• there are many resources for help on how to overcome this (namely counseling/therapy)
• I’m not alone in these feelings and experiences

 

If you find yourself entering a crisis of sorts, or in the thick of one, just be careful of turning to vices to cope.

This storm will pass. You will come out stronger. So go easy on yourself.

 

Each period of the journey is meant to be different

Circling back to our sports analogy, we can choose to view our game of life as broken into either four quarters, two halves, or in thirds.

Regardless of the structure, each period of action is meant to be different. And these crisis phases act as our locker room break.

We have to pause, analyze, and adjust the game plan.

But we all know that life doesn’t give a shit about any strategy written on the whiteboard. Things happen. Plans change, reroute, and we have to adapt as needed.

We can certainly plan for different periods of life and execute as best as we can, but it helps to accept the overarching reality that we cannot control everything.

Naturally we will grow and evolve physically and mentally. Our bodies change through each period/quarter/half. Our cognitive processing changes. Our knowledge expands. Our life experience strengthens.

In my personal tri-crisis, I would constantly say to my therapist, “but I used to be so _____ in my twenties”. That blank space would be: fearless, adventurous, spontaneous, worry free.

My therapist would respond along the line of-

Most live out their first period of life just like that, and there are aspects of our old self that we miss. And that’s natural. But when you look back on that period, you also acknowledge that you were insecure, avoided commitment, were unknowingly serotonin deficient, emotionally unbalanced, highly trauma reactive, and more…

This redirection and honest assessment helped me accept growth and appreciate that the first period was over and a different phase awaited. We can certainly pull strengths from our past period and incorporate them into our current period of action.

The best that we can do for ourselves is find gratefulness in life’s diversity, appreciation in growth, and most importantly cherish the period at hand.

My journey is showing itself as in thirds. I finished period one, plowed through a tough tri-life crisis, and now I am content with taking on period two. I do expect to experience another third-life crisis in the fifties/sixties somewhere.

When/If that time comes, I will do my best to utilize these mindsets to overcome it. I truly hope that these musings help you as well, wherever you are in your unique game of life.